Wednesday, August 15, 2012 @5:05 PM
Thankfully, I managed to some how pass my first semester courses! Super happy about that. Now currently in week 4 of the second semester. So far so good. I'm trying my best to not repeat what happened last semester. Being overly dependent on friends is not a good thing. Therefore, I've started to self study more. In fact, I'm now in a study session with some people, Salt, Thousand Stop, Eong, Gao and Jer. They're really good people. They're all christians. I've been going to church and joining them in their lifegroups. However, plenty of doubt still prevent me from seeing eye to eye with them. They speak of being in a relationship with God. I'm still quite sceptical about their concepts. But, I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinions. IF, and I say if, christianity is real, then, 100s of billions of people have already gone to hell. Why then, don't the present christians do more to 'save' the unbelievers if that's the case. The whole christianity thing is the ultimate paradox. Where do animals go after they die? Fade to oblivion? Go to hell? because they sure aren't going to heaven. Someone explained to me that dogs have no souls, so they can't go to heaven. Screw this. Then how unfair is it to be a dog. Such loyalty, and love that can't be found in many humans. Ridiculous. Why then do they still say God loves all his creations. What kind of hypocrisy.
On another note, I'm taking thermodynamics, engineering modelling, multivariant calculus and python this semester. I find the lecturers this semester are way better as compared to lecturers from the previous semester, especially for maths. Hopefully this'll be a good semester. 9 more weeks to go before I get to go back home.
Parents, they give their all to raise children. Somehow, I feel having children is a super crazy responsibility. You not only have to put in financial support, you have to put in your everything to raise children. It's somewhat like a gambit. If the children raised by you don't love you back, you've lost. If they love you back, you've won. Parents have it bad. I've recently felt the love by my parents. Especially the financial love. They've been saving their entire life, just to send me and my brother overseas to get better education. Every time when the cash in the bank is low and I ask for money from my parents, I feel really bad. In addition to that, I have no idea how to repay them for all that they've done. Sometimes, when video calling I still get angry at them for minor reasons. After the video call, I'll feel really bad and stuff. Why do I still get angry at them if I love them. Even more puzzling is, I feel as if my entire life is just to please them. Whenever I feel that I've disappointed my parents, I feel very sad inside. I guess they've brought me up pretty well, even though I'm quite quick tempered. They judge themselves too harshly.
The funny thing about them is that they try to adapt to us. They try to like the things that interest us, so that they'll have the same topics to talk about. It's that part of them that I love the most <3 div="div">
Another thing that's been bothering me non-stop is the search for a suitable partner. Everything that I've done up till now feels as if it's just to get me ready to find a partner to settle down. Looking at friends getting attached, and then getting separated again saddens me. How can true love be so easily separated. Thus comes my first problem when finding a partner. I guess I've set a high standard for myself. Hopefully, the first person I get attached to will be the last person I'll need to find to get married and stuff. It really boggles my mind that the people that i'm attracted to aren't the right ones for me. It always hurts my heart when friends advise me to go against my heart. Why then do we have a heart?
I feel that in the 19 years of my life, I've unintentionally hurt quite a few people. What I would give to take all the hurt away from them and start afresh. However, I feel that the opportune moment has passed for many of my past loves. Which saddens me to no end.
Maybe I'm fated to be alone. To prevent me from hurting even more innocent people. Only time will tell if there's a perfect person out there to be my first and last love. Maybe we've already met, but I let the opportunity pass me by, and she's with some other person. If that's the case, I guess the only thing I could do then is, wish them happiness and miss her from the bottom of my heart. And I'll end this with my most recent favourite quote, 'Life does not happen to you, life happens through you'.
Daryl
