7 months and 7 days. It's been quite a journey. I've been brought up and put down so low. Its been a tough journey so far. They weren't joking when they said it's just the beginning. Most things I've been able to handle. But now I again have countless emotions in me. So much on my mind that I need an avenue to channel it all out. So, what's bothering me now. How to be a good housemate and my ultimate weakness of wanting to please everyone are among the top few turmoils in my brain at the moment. So, what characteristics will a good housemate have? Patience, tolerance, consideration, love? Probably. Though I'm learning that there are also other as important traits, such as accountability. I'm trying my best to be a good housemate, but I just get the feeling of not being good enough. I keep on reminding myself to be the better man, to apologize even if I don't feel that I've done wrong, but I still see that anger and sadness. It has come to a point where I'm just so paranoid. I'll feel awkward and out of place. Though I've learnt from experience that this kind of awkwardness does not bode well to the relationship and I've been trying to slash all of it away. But I'm getting tired. I know that God will grow us in the challenges and I thank God that he's always with me. But I'm so tired. So.. so... tired. I know that he's not like that, he's more cheerful and joyful, maybe he's in a rough patch, stress? I don't know. All I know is I've been pressing all his wrong buttons. Sigh.. still grateful to God that he's growing me through the trials He's putting me through, so that as I emerge from the fire, the tears, the sweat, I'll be an even greater person that will bring Him to even greater glories. That's the only solace that I give myself when I'm feeling as such. They say talking and communicating what's bothering you out will help. But, I don't like talking to another person about another person (okay this is confusing, lol.). It's sorta like talking behind their backs. So, what other choice but to keep everything in and trust that God will bring us through it in one piece. That's where faith is for me. The faith in God that he'll bring you through everything and grow you to be even stronger and more mature than before, now THAT is my faith, for now at least. Hehe. Though, bad feelings and ill thoughts will continue to chip my faith, I'll continue to believe in my Lord Jesus Christ and He's amazing grace :)

Okay, wow. Although it's now already 1.20 a.m. and I'm really sleepy, I feel that I need to unload all of my thoughts and feelings somewhere, and also record everything that happened on this very meaningful day.

I've been attending church and life groups for around 5 months and I feel that I haven't really changed much. But, people have said that they could see the change in me. Like, I'm starting to get less introverted. Another thing that I myself have noticed, is I have prioritized my studies and stopped playing games. After all the ups and downs in these 5 months, I've finally made the wonderful decision to accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior. What can I say, the feeling of sharing all my worries and doubts and fears and anguish with Him was really amazing. I now feel so free! So, this is how it happened.

Actually, I've been praying to God, even though I wasn't a christian, to tell me the right time to really accept Christ. Before that, sadly, I've rejected Him during two occasions because of number one, doubt and skepticism, and number two, fear of truth and reality. However, friends came and shared various experiences and thoughts with me which actually made me realize how wrong I was. Instead of looking into the past and weeping about what happened, I should be the one who should take the step of faith! To prevent all the other people from meeting the same fate as my dear friend. I will try my very very best to lead as many people as possible, away from hell. The moment I accepted Christ, I broke down crying due to the extreme sadness of realizing that my friend has gone to hell, and many others have gone and will be going to hell. Therefore, I will reach out to everyone! I feel that my goal now, in my heart, is to reach and touch as many people as possible.
The church service today was really amazing. I really felt God talking to me through everyone around me. The pastor, the songs, EVERYTHING! The verse that really struck me was john 8:32 The truth will set you free. It's so amazing that even though I've rejected Him twice before, he never gave up on me, and his attempts at touching and softening my heart gets more and more pronounced that I could not help but feel really really touched. Even though I can't really remember what the pastor said exactly, it went something like, 'do not look at past hurts and prevent yourself from knowing Christ, you yourself must take the step of faith and bring every loved one around you to God'. At that moment, I knew, that God was talking to me. After I accepted Christ, I really felt that the life group family's love is really important, everyone supporting each other, having joy and content in just the presence of one another, brothers and sisters in Christ.
I'm also really thankful that I have such supportive and understanding parents. I called my mum straight after service to tell her the news, we ended up both crying. My mum says that I have both her and my dad's blessings on the decision that I've made, which made me feel really loved and grateful. I love my parents. I love UQ6, I love God :)
I'll constantly update /keep my thoughts and encounters with God here so that I may view it at a later time. Feeling really tired. Good night

Daryl

Looking through my previous post, I've come to realize that I've somewhat matured. The skepticism towards Christianity has some what disappeared. I believe that this is a huge step for me towards God. I feel that various reasons have contributed to my continual growth in mind and spirit. The ever present support from my friends has undoubtedly been the best factor in my increase in faith. They never seem to get tired of helping and supporting one another, which always makes me really happy inside. Being with such wonderful people has changed something in me. I guess its part and parcel of being a good Christian? They care about one another as though they are family, and in fact they are one body in Christ. All of this is really good and all, but somehow, I still have a bit of doubt in me. Friends, why are they there? Are they there to share your joy and sorrow? Are they there to support you? Or are they there to hurt you? Sometimes, getting close to another person really hurts. Especially if they suddenly act coldly towards you. You'd just wish to be alone and not know anyone, to prevent yourself from getting hurt. Why do people like that exist? Okay, maybe it's my fault for doing something wrong, but isn't forgiving one another what friends are for? I've apologized, and you've accepted, yet why do you treat me so? Sometimes, I just wish, everyone would just take off their masks. Masks upon masks upon masks.. Which mask is our real mask?

Jealousy kills. How i wish i could be free from this torment. Being jealous of even the tiniest things. That's a part of me that I really need to change. Although, I've made some progress in that area, I feel that I need to improve even more to prevent myself from getting unnecessarily hurt. Previously, I used to care if my messages weren't replied. Now I couldn't careless. Is that good or bad? That's weird huh?

That aside, I find death as unacceptable as eating pizza with cutlery. Why do people die? Why am I alive and he dead? Do we live just to die? I say NO. We live to LIVE. While living, we should affect everyone around us. Spreading the good news to everyone is what we are obligated to do. To prevent people from having the same unfortunate fate, we must STRIVE to save as many people as possible.

Many thoughts still whir in my mind. Sometimes I find it hard to sleep, just sometimes, as I'm usually very tired. I doze into slumber halfway through my conversation with God. Which annoys me a bit, as I haven't finished my little chat. I wonder when I'll 'officially' accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior. I guess I'll have to ask God myself :)

I feel so thankful that so many wonderful people have come into my life. You people know who you are. Thank you for everything. Thank you for your warmness, your patience, your kindness, your understanding, your sharings.. Thank you for you. Thank God for you.

Lord, here I pray, for the joy, happiness and inner peace, throughout hardships, pains and sufferings, for everyone. Amen.

Daryl

Daryl
19 years old
Flys Solo

let my heartbeat be my heart's cry let me live to serve your call
in my life, Your will be done

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